Ickle Ficlets
by PinkAphid
Summary: For all you guys who can't be bothered to read long fics... Little stories that make practically no sense, but might be funny.
1. Aardvark

**OK people, this is my first LotR fanfic, and thank god it is not a Mary-Sue. There are WAY too many of those around. P.S. The characters aren't meant to be in… uh… character. It's easier to write these if I can bend them to my will. I'm not trying to compete with the genius of Tolkien by any means here.**

**DISCLAIMER: Don't own, can't sue.**

FICLET NUMBER 1

Frodo was eating Ritz crackers.  
'Can I have some?' asked Sam.  
'No… my preciousssss…' replied Frodo.  
Sam threw a crab at Frodo. 'Meanie.'  
'Ow!' Frodo cried.

FICLET NUMBER 2

Gimli was humming 'Lily the Pink'.  
Stop that,' said Legolas, hitting him with a dead kipper.  
'Dude, you threw off my groove,' whined Gimli.

FICLET NUMBER 3

Pippin woke up with a scarf around his eyes. 'Merry? Why is there a scarf around my eyes?' he asked,  
Merry crept up behind him. 'POLO!' he yelled, hitting Pippin's shoulder.

FICLET NUMBER 4

'My legs are so hairy,' said Legolas.  
'Uhhh… Wax them?' replied Aragorn.  
'Where do I get wax from?' asked Legolas.  
'I dunno, maybe Haldir has some,' answered Aragorn, continuing to eat his pie.

FICLET NUMBER 5

Merry and Pippin were decorating cupcakes.  
'Fo shizzle my nizzle,' said Pippin.  
Merry was so surprised he sprayed writing icing all over Eowyn's kitchen. 'What was that?' he asked.  
Pippin fainted.  
Merry turned on Sam. 'Have you spiked Pippin's ale again?'  
Sam looked shifty. 'Mr. Frodo will be wanting his bath soon,' he said, and ran off.  
Merry snorted. 'Pervert.'

**Well ok, that's enough for now. Mind blanking out on the ideas front… Any offers for future stories? Chocolate for all reviewers! Well, in spirit anyway, cos you can't zap chocolate all over the world…**


	2. Beluga

**Hokey kokey, second batch coming right up!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Please don't sue me! **

FICLET NUMBER 6  
Saruman had a hangover. Too much partying with the orcs… 'Nestor!' he yelled, summoning his butler.  
'Yes master?' a high-pitched voice squeaked.  
Saruman looked down to where the voice was coming from.  
'AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!' he shrieked.  
'Dobby is a house-elf sir,' replied the ugly green thing.  
Saruman collapsed into a chair. 'I never did like Mondays.'

FICLET NUMBER 7  
Frodo was painting a picture of a horse. Sam came in to give Frodo a sponge bath.  
'What are you painting?' asked Sam.  
'It's called 'Liberty in the Realms of Injustice',' replied Frodo, slapping purple paint liberally on to the canvas.  
'Uhhh… whatever dude. It just looks like a red circle with a white dot to me.'  
'I'm using creative licence,' said Frodo tartly.  
'Licence shmicence, it's crap. Stick to writing,' said Sam.  
Frodo whipped out a machine gun and blasted Sam's ass out of Middle Earth.

FICLET NUMBER 8  
All the members of the Fellowship were feeling a bit down after Gandalf fell in Moria, so Aragorn suggested that they sing a song to cheer themselves up.  
'OH! I know a good one!' said Boromir. 'Repeat after me… I saw a bird…'  
'I saw a bird,' sang the others obediently.  
'With a yellow bill…'  
'With a yellow bill…'  
'It landed on…'  
'It landed on…'  
'My windowsill.'  
'My windowsill.'  
'I coaxed it in…'  
'I coaxed it in…'  
'With a piece of cheese…'  
'With a piece of cheese…'  
'And then I broke…'  
'And then I broke…'  
'Its little knees.'  
'It's WHAT???!' Merry screeched. 'That is the cruellest, most barbaric song I have ever heard!'  
'Hey, don't yell at me li'l bro. I just picked it up off the soldiers back in Gondor,' Boromir said.  
'YOU'RE ALL STARK RAVING MAD!!!!' yelled Pippin, who was so bored he had to content himself with treading on the backs of Legolas's boots for want of better amusement.  
'Stop that unless you want to be spending the rest of the day picking arrows out your butt,' the elf threatened.

**Less ficlets there cos they were longer this time. Hope you liked them! Any ideas most welcome, as always. Mwah! P.S. I learnt the bird song at PGL. GO PIGGLES!!! **


	3. Cheetah

**Well well well. Here we are again. Read on, my faithful worshippers! (Hey, a girl can dream, right?) Yay! I'm in a party mood at the moment… Ah, the wonders of Fox FM. **

**DISCLAIMER: Don't own, can't sue, don't try.**

FICLET NUMBER 9  
Gimli was muttering away to himself about the unfriendliness of the elves.  
'If you don't quit talking by the time I've counted to 10 I'm gonna make you,' threatened Boromir who was trying to get to sleep.  
'That is a direct violation of article 6 of the international declaration of human rights!' shouted Gimli, outraged.  
'Two points mini-me. Firstly, article 6 is the right to a fair trial. You're thinking of article 10- the right to free speech. Secondly, you are just a dwarf, and therefore the rights don't apply to you,' Boromir pointed out.  
Gimli burped.  
'Ewww! Gross!' complained Legolas.

FICLET NUMBER 10  
Aragorn was skinning a rabbit.  
'What's that?' asked Pippin.  
'This, my vertically-challenged friend, is a rabbit,' replied Aragorn with a hint of sarcasm.  
'I know that's a rabbit, I was talking about that,' Pippin said, pointing to a teddy bear lying beside Aragorn.  
'Oh, I think that's Boromir's…' said Aragorn.  
'Heh heh heh! Boromir has a teddy bear!' Pippin sang.  
'What's wrong with having a teddy bear?' asked Sam, who was picking herbs for the rabbit stew.  
Pippin looked at Sam weirdly.  
'Right… ummm… that was the wrong thing to say wasn't it?' Sam blushed.  
Pippin nodded, and went off to taunt Legolas to pass the time.

FICLET NUMBER 11  
Gimli was climbing some stairs in Moria. Legolas was close behind him.  
'Hurry up!' ordered Legolas.  
'Don't blame me if I'm a somewhat careful dwarf. I have vertigo,' replied Gimli testily.  
'Yeah, and if you don't start climbing faster you're gonna be a somewhat careful dwarf with an arrow in your butt. Now MOVE!' shouted Legolas.  
'Hey, don't go all PMS on me elfy-boy,' said Gimli under his breath.

FICLET NUMBER 12  
The Fellowship was having a party. Gandalf was DJ-ing.  
'Hey Gandalf, can you play 'The Macarena'?' asked Frodo.  
'Coming right up,' replied Gandalf.  
'The Macarena' started playing. And everyone for miles around heard the addictive tunes and rhythmic beats and flocked to the source of the wondrous music. And thus all the peoples of Middle-Earth were united in their love of the song to which everyone- big and small, pretty and ugly, meat-eater and vegetarian, could dance to. Even the Orcs, who could never pass up the chance to dance. And all feeling of hatred and resentment were forgotten in the partying that ensued.

**Hope you liked my alternative ending there. Better than everyone dying… sniff. Having a bit of a writer's block at the moment… But I'm sure I can overcome that problem if I get lots of lovely reviews with yummy ideas… Keep on boogying people!**


	4. Dugong

**I won't bore you with annoying drivel. Let's just get on with the stories!**

**DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine. It's all Tolkien's. Oh yeah, and 'rumplefrazzle doink' was created by the ingenious mind of… some other author. Can't remember who. If you are reading this and you came up with it, tell me!**

FICLET NUMBER 13

It was a dark and stormy night, and Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Aragorn and Gandalf were huddled up together trying to keep warm and dry.  
'Ewww, what is that smell?' asked Frodo, holding his nose.  
'Someone cut the cheese!' laughed Pippin.  
Gimli coughed guiltily. Luckily, no one noticed.  
'Never fear! I will blast the smell away with my awesome Maiar powers!' said Gandalf.  
'Oooh, look who's all macho now,' grumbled Boromir, who was in a thoroughly foul mood.  
Gandalf ignored him. 'Rumplefrazzle doink!' he shouted. There was a blinding flash of turquoise light. When the Fellowship opened their eyes they saw that they were no longer huddling under the measly protection of some ruined watchtower, they were somewhere completely different.  
'Oh bugger,' said Gandalf.  
'What is it? Where are we?' asked Sam, who was beginning to panic at the sight that greeted his eyes.  
'Cadbury Land,' replied Gandalf.  
'CHOCOLATE!' they all yelled, and began running around eating everything in sight.

FICLET NUMBER 14  
Aragorn was teaching Sam how to fight.  
'So you have to remember to keep moving when you're fighting. That way, if they have arrows, it'll be harder for them to hit you,' instructed Aragorn.  
'Right, keep moving. Got it,' replied Sam, who was concentrating hard. 'So, what's this thing?'  
'That's a sword,' said Aragorn patiently.

FICLET NUMBER 15  
It was Aragorn's birthday, but it didn't feel like it. For one thing, he stank. He hadn't had a shower since leaving Lothlorien at least five days before. Secondly, he, Legolas and Gimli were lost in Fangorn Forest, looking for two troublesome Halflings who served no real purpose at all. In fact, it was an utterly lousy birthday. He hadn't got any presents, or cake, or even a balloon. In fact, he very much doubted that anyone knew it was his birthday at all. Neither the elf nor the dwarf had said 'Happy Birthday' to him at all.  
It was at this moment, when Aragorn was feeling his lousiest, that Gandalf decided to turn up. 'Great. Another distraction. Now I'm never gonna have a party…'

**Heh heh heh. These are getting more and more random by the minute! I'm just writing down whatever comes into my head as it comes. So none of this is very planned… Any ideas welcome, as always! Please review, or email me if you want. My address is on my bio page. **


	5. Echidna

**Oh yes! I'm back! Goodness me, it's been about six months. :slaps hand: **

**Thank you very much to Crumbly Crumpet for the inspiration. Loves!**

**CRUMBLY CRUMPET'S FICLET**

**Crumbly Crumpet was riding a horse. Suddenly, along came a clam. **

'**Hello,' said the clam. 'My name is Claggy Clam. May I please have a balloon?'**

'**I'm sorry,' said Crumbly Crumpet, 'but I don't have a balloon. Have a mini candle instead.'**

'**NO! NO MINI CANDLES!' screamed Claggy Clam, as he spontaneously combusted and turned into a coaster.**

**As you can see, at the moment, my favourite letter is C. Now that moment's gone, and I'm on to other letters.**

FICLET 16

Gimli was eating a samosa when along came Matt Damon.

'Matt Damon,' he said.

'Gimli,' said Gimli.

'Matt Damon,' said Matt Damon.

'Very well thank you,' said Gimli.

'Matt Damon.'

'It's a South Asian fried food item, generally consisting of triangular pastry shell with potatoes and pea stuffing. It is spicy and is often eaten with chutney,' replied Gimli.

'Matt Damon.'

'No.'

FICLET 17

Aragorn was off hunting rabbits for dinner. He caught one, and skinned it. Then they cooked it over a fire with rosemary and ate it. And that's the end of that.

FICLET 18

The spirit of the dead rabbit came back in the form of a twig, which Aragorn snapped as he stood on it while hunting for more rabbits.

FICLET 19

The spirit of the dead stick which had belonged to the dead rabbit came back in the form of Sam's hat, which Aragorn accidentally knocked down the Rauros Falls.

FICLET 20

The spirit of the rabbit/stick/hat was now very annoyed at Aragorn. So the spirit returned as an orca, which tried to kill Aragorn, but being a sea creature of extraordinary size but lacking in opposable thumbs, not only was it unable to hold anything with which to kill Aragorn with, but it promptly found itself gasping for air and dying.

FICLET 21

By this point the departed spirit was so fed up it just gave up on life in any form at all, and ran away to the Elysian Fields with that guy from Human Resources at the Air Canada Centre.

**Well, they were about the most boring ficlets I've ever written. Ideas, anyone?**


End file.
